Evil Plan Exposed (aka Lunch)

I have discovered a nefarious plan for world domination right here in the US. It is now my firm belief that the Pennsylvania Dutch are going to subjugate the world. How will they do this? Through a restaurant known as the Good & Plenty. Yes, I know it sounds innocent but don't let the name fool you. Allow me to tell you how I discovered this.

On our way out of Elizabethtown, we decided to drive through the Pennsylvania Dutch area. After visiting a replica of the Tabernacle, we were looking for a place to eat that would serve local food. We didn't come all this way to eat at McDonald's. We found a family style restaurant owned by a lovely Mennonite couple and decided to give it a try.

We were seated at tables about 20 feet long. Already on the table was rhubarb compote, chow chow, peppered cabbage, cottage cheese, whipped butter and apple butter. I should have realized what was in store. Our charming waitress, Cindy, came over with a plate of fresh baked white and whole wheat bread. Five minutes later, the gastronomic attack began. Cindy returned with huge bowls of fried chicken, roasted pork with sauerkraut, roast beef, sweet corn, stuffing, peas, mashed potatoes, gravy, and noodles. There was enough food to feed a football team. Baby of course rose to the challenge by standing up in his high chair and putting his plate out for Cindy to fill.

Now, there's some PSYOPS going on here. First of all, the sign says "all you can eat" so your brain automatically goes into "I haven't been fed in weeks" mode rather than staying in rational human mode. Second, it's a bit pricey so you feel obligated to eat your money's worth. Third, as Princess Buttercup confirmed with Cindy, it's all thrown out if you don't eat it so there's a measure of "I don't want to waste food!" as well. And to make sure you'll make a pure USDA choice pig out of yourself, they give you a sweet waitress who's like your mom and asks, "Can I get you anything else? Are you sure? I'd be glad to get you something."

So we ate. And we ate. And when we couldn't eat another bite, Cindy said, "Let me get you your dessert!" She returns with a bowl of orange jello, coconut cream pudding, and two pies! Two Pies! You sadists!! The she mentions those two magic words that instantly over ride any common sense left: ice cream.

By this time we were food stupid. But we ate dessert anyway and became food comatose. We couldn't think a coherent thought if some one did it for us. We were so stuffed that 3:00 Disco Hour was cancelled due to digesting. And that's when it occurred to me. Thousands and thousands of people walk into Good & Plenty each year; normal sensible people. After a meal there, they leave as zombies, unable to do more than stagger around repeating "Wow, I'm stuffed." What great way to conquer the world. I know for a fact that they sucked out my brains while we ate because as we left, stuffed as we were, we still bought whoopie pies in their bakery.

The fiends.